December Support

WOW - December?  Already?  Where in the hell did Autumn go?  Anyways... Thought I would get my thoughts out there for the first time in a while.  I have been working on the SRG steps for my post abortion recovery journey.  It has been really interesting, and I have opened up to these strangers from all over the world, expressed my deepest and darkest demons to them, and they in turn have done the same for me.  A stranger.  And I feel closer to them than I have felt to anyone in a long time.  There is something amazing that happens when you let down that wall of courageous strength that us ladies put up, and even though it is the internet and of course no one is actually sitting there with you, you can sense that connection between you and your new friends.  I don't care what anyone says, it is definitely real and true, and I know I can rely on those ladies if I ever need them to listen to me vent, say nice things to me and wish me well.  They understand where I am coming from on so many levels, and help me to see things from a different light.  Therefore I have learned SO much from them!  Just how to be real and open up, how to be honest with myself and others.  How to be scared and vulnerable.  And how to be ok with all of this.  Accept myself for who I am and what has happened in the past.

At the moment, the step I am having a lot of trouble with, as well as my fellow group girls, is forgiveness.  Not so much forgiving myself, but my mother.  For pushing me into the abortion, but also for letting me get into that kind of situation.  The ladies in my group are really supporting me through this, and without them I would have walked away a while ago.  But I am sticking with it, and going to journal some more tomorrow and sort it all out, with their help of course.

At the end of 2012 I want to be able to say I have done everything I could have to take the steps towards healing, and I think I am on the right track with that.  I am so damn happy that I am doing all of this, even if I only have some strange girls from different parts of the world to talk to about it all... that's all I need. 

Working the Steps

So, I started my online structured recovery group for post abortion issues.  The next step is a tough one.  Blame and responsibility.  This has been hanging around and following me for some time now, and I don't quite know where to begin with this topic or how to sort it out.  Because I blame my mother for this.  I feel she is 100% to blame, although I know this isn't the truth.  There are other factors of course, but I guess this is something I need to sort out and get passed. 

I also have been strongly considering really being open about this experience and at some point try to help other girls with this PASS issue.  Of course I have a lot of work to do, and need to focus on school and career stuff.  But maybe in the future I can work on a support group for this issue, and reach out to women who have been hiding in pain by themselves with this experience.  There needs to be more information and support on this topic.  It is a very real and traumatic thing to go through, and there just isn't enough help out there. 

Other than that, all is well.  Living with my hunny has been fun and interesting and challenging.  But most of all pretty awesome.  =)

Age 27 Should Be Interesting

New career path, new age, new home, what else is new?  Whats new and good?  I am on the road to a new and positive lifestyle.  Healthy, balanced, sweet.  Who am I kidding I ate 4 slices of pizza and 2 slices of cake today.  I'm not that balanced and healthy, but I'm close enough I guess.  I am definitely feeling less and less like hiding my abortion experience from others, and more and more like I want to share, and even possibly become a counselor one day, for women who need help talking about sh*t in general!  As a "big picture" idea, that is something I am considering.  I will look into it a little more, but it came to me the other day, and I thought, "why not?".  I experienced a lot of crap, and maybe I can help some young girls/women out there who might not have anyone to talk to.  I can really reach out and give some girls a chance to open up in a safe/neutral place and possibly prevent them from really hurting themselves.  Hmmm.... Ok another journey might be opening up for me, we'll see where this takes me! 

New Zip Code, New Thoughts...

So here I am in the apartment downstairs from my grandmother's house in a lovely suburban New York county where there are deer and chipmunks frollicking about the grounds. 

Ok - well I am right off a main route through the county so it doesn't quite feel the way it sounds, but I have to say it is definitely lovely!  And there are deer and chipmunks, I promise.  Anyway I am here and I really am happy about it.  My pets are settling in and adjusting to each other.  My stress level has gone down drastically and my skin looks better because of it.  The only problem is I haven't been back to my yoga class in about a month and I am disgusted with myself over this.  I have 6 (paid for) sessions left in my package and I was doing so great!  I don't know why I didn't push myself harder and finish!  They never expire so its not a big deal, I can always go back there whenever I want to, but my mind and body feels like crap because I got lazy and overwhelmed.  I need to get my ass back to a yoga studio and start stretching!  I can always go to the free place in the city, or save money and get a package out here in the sticks.  All I know is I feel amazing when I am doing it weekly so I know it works for me! 

On another note, I started the online structured recovery group that I had previously dropped out of.  One of the girls on the site gave me a little push and I decided to do it.  It just started so we are basically just learning about each other and figuring out the forum and everything.  I already got up to step 3 in the steps on my own, so technically I am ahead of the other girls, so I am just relaxing for a week or 2 until we are all on track together.  I'm glad I am doing it though.  I never got back to the church like I had wanted, so I don't feel so bad now that I have my focus back on the whole situation.  I know I can get back to the church whenever, but have been feel guilty about not getting there for the anniversary.  There was just so much happening I couldn't make time.  Well now that things are quieting down slightly, I can get my focus back on what is important to me and what is positive and healthy for ME. 

This time of year is always interesting.  Autumn, my birthday, Halloween, the cool weather coming in, the foilage.  I feel pretty good during this time, the problems start around Thanksgiving because of the terrible family relationships happening around me.  So for about 6 weeks I feel pretty good and I really enjoy the Halloween festivities and the pumpkin picking and hayrides.  Until my mother says "so what do you want to eat for Thanksgiving?".  I swear if she offers me turkey this year I am going to quietly get up, and leave.  Simple as that.  I also feel terrible knowing the the turkeys all over the country are being tortured as we speak just so that people can get their dose of triptophan or however you spell the crap in turkey meat. 

Ok I am getting ahead of myself here. I'm sorry!  I just haven't blogged in a while and have a lot to say!  A lot on my mind!  I am going to get out of bed now, have some breakfast and coffee and go upstairs to see what Grandma is up to today.  Thanks for listening.  I'll be back soon so that I don't get all crazy again...

Some Anniversary...

How does a person deal with an abortion "anniversary"?  It has been 9 years since that horrible experience.  Obviously I knew it was coming and was a little worried about how I would feel.  Well I was so busy with everything else going on that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  But I definitely got really sad at midnight that day.  I cried and cried.  My hunny held me =).  It was also his birthday.  So as I wished him a Happy Birthday with a hug and a kiss I also had to hide the tears and hold them back, that is until I couldn't any longer and let the tears come.  I was just sad about the day in general.  Nothing specific was making me sad.  Its just that the months leading up to yesterday have been emotional and confusing, as well as empowering and a great learning experience.  I have come so far since September 25th, 2002.  Well now I can breathe for a few months until May 2012 when the process starts all over again...

Me Lately

It definitely got a little hectic here these past few weeks.  I enrolled in this awesome online nutrition program that started today as a matter of fact, as well as decided to move out of my mothers house and into my grandmothers house by the end of this month, my 9 year abortion anniversary is approaching as well as my hunny's birthday.  This is all happening all in the same month!  It's too much!  I love my hunny and am so happy to celebrate his birthdays with him, because he is the best thing that ever happened to me and I definitely want to show him that this year.  The fact that all this other stuff is happening right along with it is tough.  How will I balance it all and still have time for some fun stuff?  I know I know, just take one thing at a time.  But my brain doesn't work like that.  Its everything all at once!  I dropped out of the post abortion recovery group that was online, mainly because I knew I was going to be able to give it my all and I deserve to get the most out of the process.  So I will do some journaling on my own with some guidance.  Yoga is great I just wish I could get there more often.  I hate my job of course, but hopefully won't have to deal with it for too much longer.  My mother is driving me up a wall.  Im overwhelmed!  Better rest my eyes, long and busy day tomorrow... I better meditate as well!

Good Things/Bad Things

Ugh last week was a terrible week!  What with the damn earthquake, then hurricane Irene, then of course my mother has to top it all off and make me want to kill myself.  This week has to be better!  So much is up in the air right now, I really need things to settle and stay settled.  I need to have some sense of normalcy and right now that is not happening.  I need a good solid routine, something that sticks and happens everyday or at least every week.  And I need to get out of this house!  Living here is like living with cancer. 

I am getting my shit together, and that feels awesome.  But I want other shit to be together as well.  I want to be with my hunny everyday in the same house together.  I want to be away from my mother but close enough to my sister and family.  I want my cats and dog to live together in harmony and just get along with each other.  I want to create a comfortable home with everyone I love and have a successful life.  Is that so much to ask?  I am dealing with post abortion issues all at the same time, so that is putting a weight on everything else.  But the point is that I AM dealing with it all!  One thing at a time!  And for me that is a HUGE success!  I am proud of myself for it!  I have NEVER been proud of myself for ANYTHING, but I am proud to say that I am proud of myself for taking the steps this past year and really making an effort to better myself and my relationships.

Now I lost 3 lbs,  I am eating healthy and will be going to yoga again today.  I am determined to stay positive and let myself me happy and healthy.  =)

Missing Her

Last night and this morning I am feeling like I miss my little one.  Oh, I know I am healing and this is a good thing, but the more time that passes, and the more I grieve and heal, the further she is being pushed away from me.  At least that's how it has been feeling.  She isn't as close to me these days, even though she is still there every single day.  I guess that's what time does, pushes the memory, the experience further away.  Time has helped me a lot, but now I hate it because I am that much more separated from her.  Time makes me see how distant it all is.  I feel good about the healing, but I cant help but feel like I am suffocating when I think about how FAR it all is from me.  The desperation of wanting her back, of wanting to be pregnant again is what makes me feel like I am drowning. 

Now is the time that I start counting down the days to the abortion anniversary.  The absolute worst 2 days I have ever had to experience so far in my 26 years.  It's the same routine every year, why should this year be any different? 

Updates

Been busy working on pre-school work.  I just set up my own website today through the school, so that's fun!  I feel pretty good otherwise.  Yoga is keeping my head clear and healthy, as well as making me feel strong physically.  Even though I feel the slight misery of PMS starting, it hasn't held me back from doing anything and I intend to keep it that way!  Although, I feel exhausted everyday which is normal for my PMS symptoms.  I start the structured recovery group online at the end of September, so that should be a decent challenge.  Of course I will post and update on the progress of all that.  September should be an interesting month for me!  Lots to do and work on, both mentally and physically.  I have to keep up with my new found love:  YOGA!  As long as I stay positive, eat well and stay open and honest, I think I will be OK. 

Calm Before The Storm

I have been a bit quiet as far as my journals (blog and paper) go.  I kinda feel like everything will start happening all at the same and I'm just hoping I will be able to handle it all.  It really does feel like the calm before the storm.  I feel a bit overwhelmed at the thought of everything that will be happening in September.  Abortion anniversary, structured recovery group, online nutrition program, hunny's birthday, home stuff, work stuff, cats, dogs and all the emotions that comes with every one of these things.  Things are quiet now and I know they will be a bit hectic this time next month, and I have a problem with feeling overwhelmed.  I tend to kind of breakdown, and I really don't want to do that.  I'm just hoping I can keep it together.  As long as I go to yoga every week I think I should be OK. 

Other than that my mental status is stable, I am eating a bit healthier so my body feels good, and this year I am kind of excited for my birthday to come in October.  I want to enjoy it this year, after all it is my favorite time of year.  Halloween, Autumn, cool, dry weather.  LOVE IT!

I think I will be OK, I need to create a mantra for myself... I am going to work on that today. 

Should I Talk About It?

Lately I just want to tell my entire family (or at least my immediate family) about my abortion experience.  Keeping this secret is getting exhausting, and I want to let it out.  I want my family to know who I really am, and where my sadness and rage comes from, and why I have been so stuck for so long.  I had issues before the abortion, and those issues only escalated after the abortion.  Things got so bad for me, and I hid it for SO long.  But now that I am feeling a little bit better about life, I feel I am ready to talk to at least my dad about it.  This makes me nervous because I don't want it to cause a heart attack or cause him to hate me.  I don't know why I care so much about my father's opinion of me, but for some reason it matters.  I am still discovering the depth of hatred and anger towards my mother even though I thought I was starting to forgive her.  The more reading and research I do about PASS, the more I understand where my feelings are coming from.  Therefore the more I learn why I feel such resentment towards her.  I can't ignore these feelings anymore.  There are perfectly logical reasons why I hate her and I refuse to minimize those reasons or events.  After all, minimizing the experience only brought anxiety and depression. 

It will be really hard for me, but at some point in the near future I will have to talk to my family about it. 

Reflections on a PASS feeling

I read somewhere recently, that a common issue with women post abortion when they have a baby, or if they already have a child prior to the abortion, is that they have an intense fear of something happening to their baby or child.  They are petrified to let them out of their site, they are constantly feeling like something terrible is going to happen to that child, like they will get hurt or sick.  This turns into a severe anxiety for these women.  It haunts them.

I do not have my own children, but I must say that my little brother M was born about a year after my procedure, and I could never understand why I felt this intense fear of him dying.  I remember saying to myself over and over again "he's not going to make it, oh my God, he's not going to make it, he's not going to live".  Then, as a toddler and growing boy he was often sick with all types of ear infections, sinus issues, severe coughs, etc, so i KNEW my fear was coming true.  He was going to die from an ear infection!!! This fear followed me everyday and when I was with him I could barely even look at him, as this thought made me so worried that I had to look away, which of course prevented me from truly bonding with him.  I just looked at him and felt so guilty thinking, knowing that he was going to die.  I have had dreams about it as well.  That M died.  When I saw him on the weekends I was always so afraid that he was going to get hurt, something tragic was going to happen.  I was convinced.

Well luckily the worst things that have ever happened to him were sinus and ear infections.  The kid has never even broken a bone, and he's kind of a wuss.  But I now can think back to those feelings I once had and I can identify what those feelings were, and most importantly WHY I had felt them.  I was having a "normal" reaction to my experience with abortion.  If I would have known at the time, that he wasn't going to die, that he was going to be just fine and really the one with the problem was actually ME, then I'm sure I would have felt better and at least been able to hug the kid.  But of course I didn't know that what I was feeling wasn't just a psychic premonition, as I was convinced all those years that it was.  NO!!!  It was a part of something called Post Abortion Stress Syndrome.  Yea - a lot of what I thought and felt was a product of my abortion and the hell it brought me after the fact.

I'm now dealing with anger and resentment towards everyone, but really my mother, for allowing this post abortion stress to take over and control my life.  I'm f*cking pissed because she forced me to have an abortion so that the precious baby wouldn't take over and control my life, only to let me go through hell, and never develop a life or future for myself.

I guess the important thing is that M is OK, healthy and cute and is going to live.
I am also OK, and I will live.

Finally. Hopefully. Maybe?

I have been in search of healing, contentment, health, wealth and happiness lately.  I may have found the beginning of this road.  This might just be the right path for me.  My job, co-workers, family life and over all mental condition has been somewhat negative at times, and other times so negative that it is really debilitating.  Therefore, I need to completely turn around my life as I know it, and dive into this new endeavor.

I am currently seeking help for PASS issues, as well as some other issues that I will later discuss.  My mind, body and career need a total makeover.  I found an online program that will allow me to change my life for the positive, and take such an important, much needed, gigantic step forward.  I realize I still have much to work on, but this past week has made me open my eyes and look myself right in the face, and see what I have and what I might lose one day. 

Although I am positive and optimistic, I need support through this new journey of mine.  I need help and kindness and loving words from the people around me.  Please, God, let me get through this without a breakdown.  I want a life for myself and a life with my hunny, and most importantly... a future. 

Ahhh...

No work for me for the next 5 days, and that feels awesome!  I would love to get to yoga today, even if I have to get on that shitty train and troop my ass over there with my lovely Nike yoga mat hanging over my shoulder through the ghetto.  And my yoga pants.  Tomorrow I plan on going in the pool, maybe sun bathing.  Friday, who knows?  In a perfect world I would be at the beach on Friday with my hunny rubbing sunscreen all over my back... But we'll see about that.  Otherwise things are quiet, which is nice.  I can deal with quiet and calm.  Being content is something I strive for.  That is why I need yoga in my life, because that is what yoga brings to me.  I would love to find out what my chakras are... =)

Namaste

Some Relief

OK, so this past Wednesday through this morning (Monday) I was a hot mess.  All emotional, depressed, angry, ANXIOUS!  Boy was I anxious!  I feel better right now, but it took me all day to be able to breathe and move forward, do what I have to do.  Every month I have such intense highs and lows.  Its not just any type of continuous feelings, it goes like this: "well, I feel so good I'm going to purchase $100 of yoga classes!", right down to "wow I wanna f*cking kill myself".  After all this time, all the therapy, I am still trying to connect my feeling down and miserable to the point of paralysis, to my childhood.  I mean, is it from childhood?  Yes, I believe it is.  I also feel that everything since childhood has exasperated the intense low feelings, and seem to be keeping me down for longer periods of time. 

Well I did some research on an online program that takes up to 12 months to finish.  It seems awesome and I am going to decide to enroll or not enroll within the week or so.  It definitely sounds like something that I am totally interested in, I just hope I can figure out an answer and get cracking!  I feel good that I spoke to someone from the program.  Another good thing is that I can still work full time, and if I really feel adventurous I can take some college classes.  Great idea!  I might be too late in the season to sign up for classes this fall, but I will go to a community college this week and talk to someone.  Why not?  See this is what I mean, last week I was paralyzed with misery, but tonight I'm feeling all empowered and positive.  This is nuts!  But I will go with the flow...

The school thing will count as my positive daily action for today, as this is the most positive, healthy thing I have done in several days. 

Oh Joy

Now I need to figure out where to find an apartment that accepts 1 dog and 4 cats.  This should be easy, considering of course we are on a budget, and my hunny isn't so thrilled with the idea that ALL of the pets are coming with us to our new first home together.  I have to say, this is making me feel sick to my stomach, as these cats have been with me forever and through some really tough times.  They are my little family and now I am put in a terrible position.  I need to move out of my current home, and my hunny and I want to be together.

So now I pray to the apartment Gods:  PLEASE if there is a landlord out there willing to rent us a nice, affordable, appropriately sized, pets welcome apartment, PLEASE send me an email. 

Unsettled

Something is very wrong here.  I hate my job.  I hate most of the assholes I work with, with the exception of a few awesome and amazing ladies.  I get anxious before I go to work everyday, almost a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  You cannot trust 98% of the people on staff there.  They pretend to be your friend, you turn around and they stab you over and over again, and will deny it if confronted.  What am I still doing there then?  Why is it that I cannot get out of that place?  I would love to:

1. QUIT the f*cking job.
2. Go to the meditation retreat for a nice LONG weekend.
3. Volunteer for maybe 2 different organizations; animal rescue/care taking, and post abortion help.
4. Find a job that I like and that I am good at, and proud of. 
5. Be able to breathe one day, easily. Just in general.

What the F*CK is it going to take, for me to make a move?  I know I need to WORK at being happy and doing good things for myself and my life and my relationships.  Why has it taken me this long to realize that?  Why has it been so hard to understand that I deserve to be happy? 

I'm going to start making moves this week, my anger towards my job and my life right now is kicking in and I am going to do the work to get the f*ck out of there A.S.A.P. 

Thanks for listening, have a nice day...

Namaste

I Need a Retreat!

I have done some research, and found this lovely meditation center in upstate New York.  I have no idea where exactly it is, but I need this place!  They are holding a spiritual retreat during the weekend of my birthday, and I MUST have someone give this to me as a gift!  They have meditation, workshops, lectures and classes.  They feed you vegetarian meals daily, you can drink tea in the World Peace Cafe, shop at the bookstore and gift shop.  I need to learn to breathe, meditate and clear my mind for a few days. This sounds like the perfect place for me.  I already sent a mass email out to my family with my gift request.  We will see who bites.  I don't care if I have to take a bus or a train out there from NYC, I need to be there for a few days.  Just to try it out, and see if I can connect with something or someone.  Of course I will have my own room, all to myself.  I couldn't share a room with a stranger, that would just give me to much anxiety, I would NEVER.  No - I will go, meditate, write in my journal, drink some tea and hopefully let some things go, leave my pain out there for the wilderness to dispose of.  Wish me luck, hopefully I can get there this year. 


Check it out:  http://www.kadampanewyork.org/

Positive Post, Maybe?

I felt like total shit yesterday, as you can see by my last post.  I feel slightly better today, so I will try to stay positive.  Yesterday, although mentally I was struggling, was a beautiful day.  I had the day off, and went to my dad's house to celebrate my little brother's 10th birthday.  I went in the pool and relaxed and chatted with family.  My sister and I got him a gift card for Game Stop so he could buy some Wii games.  Today (finally) is Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday, which means the weekend is here.  I am struggling to make myself go to work today, but I know this is important, so I will force myself to get in that shower and put those scrubs on, and hope the day doesn't kill me.  Help. 

PMS

Why do I want to hurt myself before my period comes?

4 or 5 Years of Therapy

I finally decided to go see a psychologist in about early 2007, when I started having more and more anxiety, depression and self-loathing was really setting in, and I had just had enough.  I had ruined my relationship with my best friend of 13 years, and I didn't know what else to do or how to handle life at all.  Or even why I was feeling the way I had been for so long.  I was so nervous and anxious the first night that I went to talk to the doctor and for the first few months I sat in that office and hardly even spoke.  Just sat there in silence waiting for something to happen.  Then I eventually opened up and talked and talked.  The doctor helped to put so much of my past and my feelings into perspective to try to make me understand what my feelings were and why I was having them.  Also, to stop rejecting these feelings and to learn how to "own" them.  It took years for me to understand what this meant.  To "own" my feelings and stop denying them.  Do you know, that in all those years (on and off) I never cried?  Tears had gathered in my eyes a few times, but I fought with every ounce of my strength and stubbornness to not let a tear come down my face.  I can't figure out why I made myself so stoic.  Of course the doctor asked the same thing, "you never cry, with all these upsetting and sad feelings, you do not cry, why is that?".  I don't even know what to say.  I feel like I came so far in finding myself and dealing with feelings, therapy helped me so much, but I am slightly disappointed that I did not allow myself to fully give in to the benefits of therapy.  I grew so much, I can't deny that therapy didn't make a huge difference in my life, it did!  But I do feel like I let myself down by not being more strict by going every single week, and also to be more vulnerable by opening myself up and letting myself cry for as long as I needed to. After all, that is why that doctor was there.  A safe, neutral place for me to break down and open up. 

I decided I won't be going back to that doctor.  We ended our relationship because she was at her wit's end with me and my lack of progress, or I should say my plateau with therapy, and I had nothing left in me to give to the process.  She advised me that my abortion seems to be holding me back more than she thought, and maybe I need a break from therapy to attempt to clear my head.  I agreed 100%.  So I left that day on May 18th, brought the car to get inspected, and while I waited for this to be finished, I Googled "moving on after abortion" and came up with some interesting info.  I went straight home and that is when I found out about Post Abortion Stress Syndrome, and the effects that it has on some women who have had an abortion in their lives.  That was the day I joined the PASSboards site, and "met" some really strong, amazing and vulnerable women who have helped me open up and talk about my past. 

I need to thank Dr. M for bringing me to this point, because even though I did not give my "all" in therapy for those years, I gave everything I was able to give at that time, because I, like all humans, am limited in my capabilities (mentally and physically), and everything that has happened in my life has happened for a great reason.  I learned valuable life lessons from every single journey that I endured.  As well as every single person I came in contact with through my life so far.  Now is the time to begin my journey on "righting" all the "wrongs" and making peace with others, as well as myself. 

My Plan For Closure

Well I have done a lot of journals so far this year, as well as a lot of reading and writing for the post abortion support group, and I think I have decided to compile all my info, ranting and raving, anger, sadness, confusion and anxiety into a book.  Now, I haven't decided if I will try to publish this book or anything, but I will definitely put it together as professionally and neatly as possible, maybe with the help of an editor of some kind.  I haven't decided on a name yet for the book of course, that will come later.  It will need to be planned out appropriately and I have to decide on what I will include, what I should omit.  Obviously I should talk to my family members before the book is out, as they would want to hear the facts straight from me about my horrendous past and the potential 8 year old kid I would have right now.  That sounds crazy.  Look at me with an 8 year old.  Hi, I am so and so, and this is my 8 year old child.  I know that if I would have went through with the pregnancy back then, I would not have my hunny in my life today, therefore I am so happy with the way things turned out.  The pain and depression made me suffer through the years, but thank God for Prozac!  I could do positive things now to memorialize and remember the whole experience, without it following me like a dark, rainy thunderstorm all day every day, and causing me a life of misery as it has for so long.  This is all stuff I need to think about and discuss with myself and others who are close to me.  I could also potentially include this very blog!  So much to think about! 

Oh - and my positive thought for the day: THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY! And I cant wait for margaritas and guacamole tonight with my love =)

My Daily Positive Action

I enjoyed the rest of the Edy's Ice Cream - Espresso Chip  - that I had in the freezer and did not feel the slightest bit guilty about eating it at 9:00 at night.  Im glad it is gone now, as I have been eating it all week long, and I must not buy another tub of ice cream for my house again, but I enjoyed it this week and I'm glad I treated myself!  Check back for another "Daily Positive" post tomorrow. 

*Namaste

Something New

OK - on my favorite support site one of the girls made a thread to list one positive thing that happens to you or that you feel every single day.  This morning I wrote about how I slept in, snuggled with my kitties, had a nice healthy breakfast and really enjoyed my coffee.  Here and now I am adding onto that:

I am starting my own daily comment thread here - whether I go on and on writing in my blog everyday or not, I am going to make it a point to blog AT LEAST one positive feeling, emotion, thought, action, question or anything at all every single day. 

Today I got up off my ass after sitting around sulking and wishing I had a different life, thinking about how much I miss trooping into the city to see my post abortion support counselors and just feeling annoyed with everything -  and went to an AMAZING Yoga class.  The studio I went to is far from my house, but I know its a great place so I said F*CK IT!  So I got up, showered, straightened up the messy apartment, ate a granola bar and drove my ass 40 minutes to one of the crappiest parts of the borough and sweated my ass off in that Yoga studio for and hour and a half.  I loved every single second of it and I don't know why I do not allow myself to enjoy things like that more often.  I honestly felt so incredibly refreshed and rejuvenated and healthy when it was done that I bought a ten class package for $100 and committed to going every single week.   I could have never done this even 6 months ago.  That is how I know I am making progress in finding myself.

I guess for so long, I always wanted to do healthy things like Yoga and veganism and saving animals all over the place, but I needed to see for myself and truly understand that I deserve to be a good person and see and do good, positive things.  I'm not 100%  quite there yet, but I know that I am on the way there.  At least I know I am WAY closer to being the person that I have the potential to be.  And that feels pretty fucking awesome.  Sorry for the profanity today, but I feel good, and sometimes when I feel good I fucking curse!

P.S. This week or next week I MUST get at least one of the tattoos I am dying for.
*Namaste

Frustration

Well now that I dont have the support group to attend anymore, I am feeling lost and kinda like "well now what?".  There are many things I should be doing, but I cant get myself motivated.  I feel like I need something structured every week or every few days even, to keep me on track and moving forward.  I got into a routine every Wednesday with going to the pregnancy center to discuss and share, now that its not happening anymore Im a little down in the dumps.  Im thinking of reviewing the notes I have taken and goals we all listed.  I feel like if I dont commit to something else to do now, I am going to end up taking about 5 steps backwards.  Ugh today is a crappy day for me.  Wish me luck in finding something to do with myself today. 

I Don't Regret Much, However...

I do regret not acting on my original thoughts and feelings of wanting to go to the doctors that I had originally seen when my mother learned I was pregnant, and also to go to the clinic for ALL of my records and ultrasound pictures.  I had seen several doctors several times prior to my procedure (for health concerns) and had several sonograms done, and to this day it makes me sick that I did not stand up and go to the doctors and ask for those pictures or records.  I don't regret the abortion.  I don't regret getting pregnant.  I DO regret not listening to my heart and mind when I wanted to get my records. I DO regret being too weak and thinking so low of myself as to not get help and talk about the experience with someone.  Now it is too late to get my records.  I think so anyway.  Doctors offices usually discard records after 5-7 yrs, and it has been 8 1/2 yrs since my aborion.  Now I have to live and deal with the experience with nothing to hold in my hands to look at.  I guess that is why I am so stuck on getting a tattoo of my baby's name on my body, so that there is something I can look at everyday in memory of her.  This is so frustrating.  I feel like I'm making progress and feeling better and then something sets me off and I start thinking and wondering and yelling at myself about something.  I just need to work on it I guess.  Keep reaching out and opening up and talking and learning and venting.  I know I don't regret the abortion, and I know I don't regret getting pregnant, but man do I miss her...

Her Name - A Tattoo?

At some point I will reveal her name-but not yet.  I need to get comfortable with the fact that she has a name.  Why shouldnt she have a name?  She was important, and I took care of her.  Even started planning on telling the family about her.  Well the pastor at the church emailed me her certificate that she is in their Book of Life - so she is still important.  And people will be praying for her. 

On a lighter more fun note - I have to get down to business on this tattoo idea.  I need 2 tats to make me feel complete.  One really beautiful and detailed piece on my shoulder, and one really inspirational beautiful one on my left wrist.  I can't go on much longer without these tattoos!  I know thats a bit dramatic, but I really need them!  I wonder if I should get her name on my wrist?  That will cause me to explain to people what it is, but her name also means "Life" so I could easily just say what it means, without having to tell people the story.  I just cant decide...

As for the shoulder tat - I want something beautiful and colorful, something that represents change and life and growth.  A design that says "I hit rock bottom but I am almost out of the hole".

I am a tattoo lover all the way!  I think all of my tattoos are a part of me and represent different times in my life.  It only makes sense to have 2 more tats to complete the story of the life that I have lived so far. 

The other day on the ferry, I saw a girl with a tattoo on her left shoulder blade of a baby laying on big leaves of grass or something.  It was awesome, the little baby was so detailed.  The perfect little newborn.  Asleep.  Resting.  I wonder what this tattoo meant for this girl?  Was she mourning the loss of a baby as well?  My heart went out to this girl when I saw this tat - Because to me the tat meant that somewhere in this girls life, she lost a baby and this baby is resting peacefully now.  I kinda wanted to give this stranger a big hug....

Good Vibes

So I wake up today, and I feel positive.  I keep thinking about The Church of the Holy Innocents that I visited yesterday, for the baby that I almost had.  This was a really beautiful church, very calm and serene.  I couldnt stay long because it was about 200 degrees in there, and I could barely breathe, but put that aside and it was really a nice little place to sit and gather your thoughts.  I think I made my peace with God about my past.  Maybe not 100% but close enough.  The website of this church has a section that you can register your unborn babies name(s) and they keep it in their records and pray for them every single day.  That gives me so much peace and comfort.  That there is a positive side of all this darkness I have felt.  Actually I think I might make a trip back there next week, maybe light a candle and say goodbye to her for good. 

A little bit about the last 7 Wednesdays of my life

So for the last 7 weeks, I have been attending this post abortion recovery group, as I mentioned earlier.  This has been an emotionally trying experience.  I started out feeling strong and positive, like I could conquer this! No problem!  Then the emotions started to hit me as we got deeper into discussions, thoughts, feelings, etc.  We talked about our PASS symptoms, how to forgive ourselves as well as others involved in the situation, asked God to forgive us this Sin, we prayed and were prayed for by the awesome women at the group, we wrote letters to ourselves, the baby, God, mothers and abortion dads and started working on memorializing our babies.  So every Wednesday I take my time in the morning getting ready and getting into the "healing mode" and make my way into the city to meet the other women for discussions.  Now today is the last day, and it is somewhat bittersweet.  I am relieved that I wont have to treck into the city on my day off now, but at the same time I will miss the comfort and safety and openness that the group naturally brings me.  I am hoping to keep in touch with the girls, especially the counselors. I feel a little afraid that I dont have the group every Wednesday now, but at the same time feeling strong and courageous because I made it through these weeks and learned so much, and even healed a bit.   Also, I am ready for the next steps in my journey through healing.  This really has been a journey since May 2002, and my goal is to reach a time that I can say that I am completely healed, and put this experience behind me.  I hope this positivity stays with me.  I'm sure I will have good and bad days, but overall I feel pretty good about things now, and I'm comfortable enough to share =)

My thoughts are everywhere

For the last 7 weeks, I have been attending a post abortion support group, and tomorrow is the last class =( 

I have grown to really love this group and the girls in it, especially the counselors who are so strong and amazing.  This group and the organisation running it is Christian based and have a strong belief in God.  Although I am not very religious, I stuck with this program and I'm so happy I did!  And so proud of myself as well.  I have always felt very disconnected from God and the Catholic Church, but learned that these are 2 different things/people.  I have made my peace with God, and I think He forgives me.  Now the real work is forgiving myself and my mother, who coerced me into the abortion in the first place.  I think every Wednesday I will stick to a routine of some kind.  Maybe excercise or meditation?  I need to keep myself busy in place of this support group, as I have become reliant on this class to get me through the first half of the week.

One thing that has been on my mind lately, when I hear of other stories of abortion, and the girl is so fresh after her procedure, I find myself feeling "envious" towards them, that they are feeling the fresh feelings of post abortion, and I do not feel those things anymore.  Almost like I "miss" the immmediate feelings of post abortion.  Even the first 5 years post abortion - I miss it in a way.  I almost want to feel those things again.  To relive the entire experience even, just for a chance to say goodbye maybe?  This, of course, is confusing to me, because if I went through that experience again I know I would be destroyed.  I just wish I had more support from beginning to end, and thats why I feel so lost...

Review at work

Well I got a much needed and overdue review at work today from my supervisors! And of course glad to report that they cannot find many weaknesses as far as my skills and over all interest in work goes.  But because I am a really big bitch most of the time, I need to work on my attitude and negativity.  Even though I thought these things got SO much better since the Prozac charmed my life, I guess I'm not perfect!  Still happy that I had mostly good things to be said about me.  Hopefully in the near future this will work with me when I ask for a raise!!! 

One of many goals: lose the excess pounds I have gained since meeting my hunny ...

Since I met my boyfriend in April 2006, I have gained a few extra pounds.  As a strict vegetarian I am technically still at a healthy weight, but I would feel so much better if I lost about 10-13 lbs.  So here goes!  I must lose the weight!

Finding Myself at age 26

Well, I started taking Prozac in the beginning of March this year, and it has helped to clear my head enough to be able to start dealing with my issues.  I have never blogged before, so I am trying this all out.  It could be fun right?  Bear with me folks, as I try to find my way here as a "new blogger".