For the last 7 weeks, I have been attending a post abortion support group, and tomorrow is the last class =(
I have grown to really love this group and the girls in it, especially the counselors who are so strong and amazing. This group and the organisation running it is Christian based and have a strong belief in God. Although I am not very religious, I stuck with this program and I'm so happy I did! And so proud of myself as well. I have always felt very disconnected from God and the Catholic Church, but learned that these are 2 different things/people. I have made my peace with God, and I think He forgives me. Now the real work is forgiving myself and my mother, who coerced me into the abortion in the first place. I think every Wednesday I will stick to a routine of some kind. Maybe excercise or meditation? I need to keep myself busy in place of this support group, as I have become reliant on this class to get me through the first half of the week.
One thing that has been on my mind lately, when I hear of other stories of abortion, and the girl is so fresh after her procedure, I find myself feeling "envious" towards them, that they are feeling the fresh feelings of post abortion, and I do not feel those things anymore. Almost like I "miss" the immmediate feelings of post abortion. Even the first 5 years post abortion - I miss it in a way. I almost want to feel those things again. To relive the entire experience even, just for a chance to say goodbye maybe? This, of course, is confusing to me, because if I went through that experience again I know I would be destroyed. I just wish I had more support from beginning to end, and thats why I feel so lost...
It makes sense that you think about reliving your experience again. Just as in most aspects of life, we all would like to go back and try things over again. We would be more well prepared to deal with the situation and through experience, could fill in some of the holes we fell in the first time. ***"Hindsight is 20/20"***. You are older and wiser after making it through such a tough ordeal, so you need to give yourself credit for having the drive to confront it and heal it.
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