Reflections on a PASS feeling

I read somewhere recently, that a common issue with women post abortion when they have a baby, or if they already have a child prior to the abortion, is that they have an intense fear of something happening to their baby or child.  They are petrified to let them out of their site, they are constantly feeling like something terrible is going to happen to that child, like they will get hurt or sick.  This turns into a severe anxiety for these women.  It haunts them.

I do not have my own children, but I must say that my little brother M was born about a year after my procedure, and I could never understand why I felt this intense fear of him dying.  I remember saying to myself over and over again "he's not going to make it, oh my God, he's not going to make it, he's not going to live".  Then, as a toddler and growing boy he was often sick with all types of ear infections, sinus issues, severe coughs, etc, so i KNEW my fear was coming true.  He was going to die from an ear infection!!! This fear followed me everyday and when I was with him I could barely even look at him, as this thought made me so worried that I had to look away, which of course prevented me from truly bonding with him.  I just looked at him and felt so guilty thinking, knowing that he was going to die.  I have had dreams about it as well.  That M died.  When I saw him on the weekends I was always so afraid that he was going to get hurt, something tragic was going to happen.  I was convinced.

Well luckily the worst things that have ever happened to him were sinus and ear infections.  The kid has never even broken a bone, and he's kind of a wuss.  But I now can think back to those feelings I once had and I can identify what those feelings were, and most importantly WHY I had felt them.  I was having a "normal" reaction to my experience with abortion.  If I would have known at the time, that he wasn't going to die, that he was going to be just fine and really the one with the problem was actually ME, then I'm sure I would have felt better and at least been able to hug the kid.  But of course I didn't know that what I was feeling wasn't just a psychic premonition, as I was convinced all those years that it was.  NO!!!  It was a part of something called Post Abortion Stress Syndrome.  Yea - a lot of what I thought and felt was a product of my abortion and the hell it brought me after the fact.

I'm now dealing with anger and resentment towards everyone, but really my mother, for allowing this post abortion stress to take over and control my life.  I'm f*cking pissed because she forced me to have an abortion so that the precious baby wouldn't take over and control my life, only to let me go through hell, and never develop a life or future for myself.

I guess the important thing is that M is OK, healthy and cute and is going to live.
I am also OK, and I will live.