Good Things/Bad Things

Ugh last week was a terrible week!  What with the damn earthquake, then hurricane Irene, then of course my mother has to top it all off and make me want to kill myself.  This week has to be better!  So much is up in the air right now, I really need things to settle and stay settled.  I need to have some sense of normalcy and right now that is not happening.  I need a good solid routine, something that sticks and happens everyday or at least every week.  And I need to get out of this house!  Living here is like living with cancer. 

I am getting my shit together, and that feels awesome.  But I want other shit to be together as well.  I want to be with my hunny everyday in the same house together.  I want to be away from my mother but close enough to my sister and family.  I want my cats and dog to live together in harmony and just get along with each other.  I want to create a comfortable home with everyone I love and have a successful life.  Is that so much to ask?  I am dealing with post abortion issues all at the same time, so that is putting a weight on everything else.  But the point is that I AM dealing with it all!  One thing at a time!  And for me that is a HUGE success!  I am proud of myself for it!  I have NEVER been proud of myself for ANYTHING, but I am proud to say that I am proud of myself for taking the steps this past year and really making an effort to better myself and my relationships.

Now I lost 3 lbs,  I am eating healthy and will be going to yoga again today.  I am determined to stay positive and let myself me happy and healthy.  =)

Missing Her

Last night and this morning I am feeling like I miss my little one.  Oh, I know I am healing and this is a good thing, but the more time that passes, and the more I grieve and heal, the further she is being pushed away from me.  At least that's how it has been feeling.  She isn't as close to me these days, even though she is still there every single day.  I guess that's what time does, pushes the memory, the experience further away.  Time has helped me a lot, but now I hate it because I am that much more separated from her.  Time makes me see how distant it all is.  I feel good about the healing, but I cant help but feel like I am suffocating when I think about how FAR it all is from me.  The desperation of wanting her back, of wanting to be pregnant again is what makes me feel like I am drowning. 

Now is the time that I start counting down the days to the abortion anniversary.  The absolute worst 2 days I have ever had to experience so far in my 26 years.  It's the same routine every year, why should this year be any different? 

Updates

Been busy working on pre-school work.  I just set up my own website today through the school, so that's fun!  I feel pretty good otherwise.  Yoga is keeping my head clear and healthy, as well as making me feel strong physically.  Even though I feel the slight misery of PMS starting, it hasn't held me back from doing anything and I intend to keep it that way!  Although, I feel exhausted everyday which is normal for my PMS symptoms.  I start the structured recovery group online at the end of September, so that should be a decent challenge.  Of course I will post and update on the progress of all that.  September should be an interesting month for me!  Lots to do and work on, both mentally and physically.  I have to keep up with my new found love:  YOGA!  As long as I stay positive, eat well and stay open and honest, I think I will be OK. 

Calm Before The Storm

I have been a bit quiet as far as my journals (blog and paper) go.  I kinda feel like everything will start happening all at the same and I'm just hoping I will be able to handle it all.  It really does feel like the calm before the storm.  I feel a bit overwhelmed at the thought of everything that will be happening in September.  Abortion anniversary, structured recovery group, online nutrition program, hunny's birthday, home stuff, work stuff, cats, dogs and all the emotions that comes with every one of these things.  Things are quiet now and I know they will be a bit hectic this time next month, and I have a problem with feeling overwhelmed.  I tend to kind of breakdown, and I really don't want to do that.  I'm just hoping I can keep it together.  As long as I go to yoga every week I think I should be OK. 

Other than that my mental status is stable, I am eating a bit healthier so my body feels good, and this year I am kind of excited for my birthday to come in October.  I want to enjoy it this year, after all it is my favorite time of year.  Halloween, Autumn, cool, dry weather.  LOVE IT!

I think I will be OK, I need to create a mantra for myself... I am going to work on that today. 

Should I Talk About It?

Lately I just want to tell my entire family (or at least my immediate family) about my abortion experience.  Keeping this secret is getting exhausting, and I want to let it out.  I want my family to know who I really am, and where my sadness and rage comes from, and why I have been so stuck for so long.  I had issues before the abortion, and those issues only escalated after the abortion.  Things got so bad for me, and I hid it for SO long.  But now that I am feeling a little bit better about life, I feel I am ready to talk to at least my dad about it.  This makes me nervous because I don't want it to cause a heart attack or cause him to hate me.  I don't know why I care so much about my father's opinion of me, but for some reason it matters.  I am still discovering the depth of hatred and anger towards my mother even though I thought I was starting to forgive her.  The more reading and research I do about PASS, the more I understand where my feelings are coming from.  Therefore the more I learn why I feel such resentment towards her.  I can't ignore these feelings anymore.  There are perfectly logical reasons why I hate her and I refuse to minimize those reasons or events.  After all, minimizing the experience only brought anxiety and depression. 

It will be really hard for me, but at some point in the near future I will have to talk to my family about it. 

Reflections on a PASS feeling

I read somewhere recently, that a common issue with women post abortion when they have a baby, or if they already have a child prior to the abortion, is that they have an intense fear of something happening to their baby or child.  They are petrified to let them out of their site, they are constantly feeling like something terrible is going to happen to that child, like they will get hurt or sick.  This turns into a severe anxiety for these women.  It haunts them.

I do not have my own children, but I must say that my little brother M was born about a year after my procedure, and I could never understand why I felt this intense fear of him dying.  I remember saying to myself over and over again "he's not going to make it, oh my God, he's not going to make it, he's not going to live".  Then, as a toddler and growing boy he was often sick with all types of ear infections, sinus issues, severe coughs, etc, so i KNEW my fear was coming true.  He was going to die from an ear infection!!! This fear followed me everyday and when I was with him I could barely even look at him, as this thought made me so worried that I had to look away, which of course prevented me from truly bonding with him.  I just looked at him and felt so guilty thinking, knowing that he was going to die.  I have had dreams about it as well.  That M died.  When I saw him on the weekends I was always so afraid that he was going to get hurt, something tragic was going to happen.  I was convinced.

Well luckily the worst things that have ever happened to him were sinus and ear infections.  The kid has never even broken a bone, and he's kind of a wuss.  But I now can think back to those feelings I once had and I can identify what those feelings were, and most importantly WHY I had felt them.  I was having a "normal" reaction to my experience with abortion.  If I would have known at the time, that he wasn't going to die, that he was going to be just fine and really the one with the problem was actually ME, then I'm sure I would have felt better and at least been able to hug the kid.  But of course I didn't know that what I was feeling wasn't just a psychic premonition, as I was convinced all those years that it was.  NO!!!  It was a part of something called Post Abortion Stress Syndrome.  Yea - a lot of what I thought and felt was a product of my abortion and the hell it brought me after the fact.

I'm now dealing with anger and resentment towards everyone, but really my mother, for allowing this post abortion stress to take over and control my life.  I'm f*cking pissed because she forced me to have an abortion so that the precious baby wouldn't take over and control my life, only to let me go through hell, and never develop a life or future for myself.

I guess the important thing is that M is OK, healthy and cute and is going to live.
I am also OK, and I will live.

Finally. Hopefully. Maybe?

I have been in search of healing, contentment, health, wealth and happiness lately.  I may have found the beginning of this road.  This might just be the right path for me.  My job, co-workers, family life and over all mental condition has been somewhat negative at times, and other times so negative that it is really debilitating.  Therefore, I need to completely turn around my life as I know it, and dive into this new endeavor.

I am currently seeking help for PASS issues, as well as some other issues that I will later discuss.  My mind, body and career need a total makeover.  I found an online program that will allow me to change my life for the positive, and take such an important, much needed, gigantic step forward.  I realize I still have much to work on, but this past week has made me open my eyes and look myself right in the face, and see what I have and what I might lose one day. 

Although I am positive and optimistic, I need support through this new journey of mine.  I need help and kindness and loving words from the people around me.  Please, God, let me get through this without a breakdown.  I want a life for myself and a life with my hunny, and most importantly... a future. 

Ahhh...

No work for me for the next 5 days, and that feels awesome!  I would love to get to yoga today, even if I have to get on that shitty train and troop my ass over there with my lovely Nike yoga mat hanging over my shoulder through the ghetto.  And my yoga pants.  Tomorrow I plan on going in the pool, maybe sun bathing.  Friday, who knows?  In a perfect world I would be at the beach on Friday with my hunny rubbing sunscreen all over my back... But we'll see about that.  Otherwise things are quiet, which is nice.  I can deal with quiet and calm.  Being content is something I strive for.  That is why I need yoga in my life, because that is what yoga brings to me.  I would love to find out what my chakras are... =)

Namaste

Some Relief

OK, so this past Wednesday through this morning (Monday) I was a hot mess.  All emotional, depressed, angry, ANXIOUS!  Boy was I anxious!  I feel better right now, but it took me all day to be able to breathe and move forward, do what I have to do.  Every month I have such intense highs and lows.  Its not just any type of continuous feelings, it goes like this: "well, I feel so good I'm going to purchase $100 of yoga classes!", right down to "wow I wanna f*cking kill myself".  After all this time, all the therapy, I am still trying to connect my feeling down and miserable to the point of paralysis, to my childhood.  I mean, is it from childhood?  Yes, I believe it is.  I also feel that everything since childhood has exasperated the intense low feelings, and seem to be keeping me down for longer periods of time. 

Well I did some research on an online program that takes up to 12 months to finish.  It seems awesome and I am going to decide to enroll or not enroll within the week or so.  It definitely sounds like something that I am totally interested in, I just hope I can figure out an answer and get cracking!  I feel good that I spoke to someone from the program.  Another good thing is that I can still work full time, and if I really feel adventurous I can take some college classes.  Great idea!  I might be too late in the season to sign up for classes this fall, but I will go to a community college this week and talk to someone.  Why not?  See this is what I mean, last week I was paralyzed with misery, but tonight I'm feeling all empowered and positive.  This is nuts!  But I will go with the flow...

The school thing will count as my positive daily action for today, as this is the most positive, healthy thing I have done in several days.